A Long Hiatus
~ Georgia Harkness (Christian Theologian).
After confirmation, there was what I refer to as a "religious silence" for a long period of time. As mentioned, the parental expectation of attending church regularly lessened and as a family, we gradually drifted towards "C & E" status. With the pressure of being forced to believe in god off of me, my incessant questioning ceased and I simply stopping thinking about it so damn hard. Somewhere within that, within that time where I could reflect on my own thoughts without the influence or burden of adult judgement and persuasion, I found comfort in believing that there just might be something out there bigger than the rest of us. That there might be someone or something that watched over us and cared about our existence and success. Over time, I came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, easier to not think about it and to "just simply believe." Arriving at this place was not momentous at the time (as many things of that nature are not for teenagers); however, reflecting upon it at certain times later in life forced me to explore how significant simply believing was. A lot of frontal lobe development was necessary for such critical thinking.
After that, when I went to church, I prayed. If grace was being said around the supper table, I participated. And sometimes, in my head, I had conversations with who-knows-what that started out with,"dear god..." It did not feel symbolic, nor did it feel consequential. It just was. It was what my family did and what I did and what many of the people I grew up with did. As an adult, I do not regret this time; rather, I am happy for it. And, I am happy for the times that came after it where I was more devout, as it served to strengthen me. And, at present, I grateful that I am now in a different place, where I understand these things on a level that did not exist before.
"It's evolution baby."