Christmas with the Crazies

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse." ~ Clark Griswold (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)

I head home for the holidays on the 23rd. Home to the Maritimes, home to my friends, home to my family. If you've read my previous posts, you know how different I am from my family (those fundamental differences that make everything oh, so interesting) and one of these particular differences were recently highlighted in an email I received from my sister. I recently received my "itinerary" for my entire holiday vacation - each day laid out with where I will be and who I will be with. Every moment accounted for, every interaction pre-planned. This made me laugh, as opposed to cry, because I am unfortunately used to it. Oddly enough, I was just super happy that time with my friends was actually planned into my vacation schedule.

My parents wonder why I spend my holidays drinking copious amounts of alcohol and I wonder to myself, doesn't every one cope with their family during the holidays by drinking excessively? It's so effective! The more I drink, the funnier they become.

There'd better be a case of wine waiting for me.

I'm Alive!

"Few people know how to be old." ~ Fran├žois de la Rochefoucauld (Writer)

My mother is succumbing to "old age" at 63. Not 73 or 83 - 63. Her new favorite saying is, "I'm too old to deal with this," which could involve pretty much anything. She has taken to sleeping all the time, is gaining more weight due to the over consumption of everything within her line of vision, and will not walk anywhere. Not even from her car in the parking lot of the mall to her very favorite stores. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she soon starts to insist on having someone push her around the mall in a wheelchair, despite the fact that she is totally able bodied. She hurt her back about a year ago and was never so proud as the day she received her handicapped sticker for her car so she could park even closer and walk even less. All she does is watch fucking Coronation Street.

So today, when I stumbled upon the link below, I sent to it her with the message of, if you are so determined to be old, please choose to be old like this.

Wonder what her response will be. Please watch and be entertained.